Bo knows Hollywood
Corrupt Official. Murder. Intrigue. Knowing they have a scorching hot property, Brendan and Jeremiah travel to Los Angeles to meet with Brad Grey and Harvey Weinstein. The project is called: “Operation Bo Bo Bidding War”
JEREMIAH: Thanks for meeting with us today.
BRAD GREY: What’s the project?
BRENDAN: Bo Xilai.
HARVEY WEINSTEIN: Never heard of him.
BRAD GREY: We used him as a stunt double for MI:3
BRENDAN : No, Bo Xilai. Godfather of Chonqing. Hubris. Power. Crazy Wife. Shakespeare in Sichuan.
BRAD GREY: Nice. Like The Departed…but in China. Can’t miss.
HARVEY: I did Shakespeare in Love. Is that like this?
BRENDAN: It DOES involve a dead Englishman.
HARVEY: I’m listening…
JEREMIAH: Bo Xilai was a rising star in the Chinese Communist Party. Did good things in the coastal port of Dalian before being transferred inland to a big city on the Yangzi River. Once there, he launched an aggressive campaign to wipe out organized crime in the city. Over time he gets crazier and crazier. Makes people sing Cultural Revolution songs and starts talking about himself in the third person. The madness continues until somebody has to take him down.
BRAD: I love it! We get…the Rock as Bo Xilai, paint his face in chicken blood and send…I’m blanking here…Matt Damon up river with a Taiwan Special Forces Team. Apocalypse Now on the Yangtze. I’m sold.
HARVEY: Spoken like a man whose summer tentpole is GI Joe: Retaliation. (LAUGHING) Tell me about the dead English guy. Audiences LOVE that. I’ve been killing Brits on screen since 1993. Oscar Gold. What’s his name?
JEREMIAH: Neil Heywood
BRAD: Great name! We’ll give him a back story as an SAS trooper in Afghanistan. He travels with a sidekick, an Afghan tribesman whose life he saved….we’ll call the sidekick “Jablome.”
BRENDAN: Okay, so Nick is a drifter, a loner with a mysterious past. Might be former MI6, probably not…we don’t know. Now working as Bo Xilai’s butler/fixer/investment adviser. But Bo works nights. Takes long trips. So it’s not long before Bo’s wife, the ruthless and beautiful Gu Kailai, daughter of a PLA General…
HARVEY: Oscar Gold! Dragon Lady makes well-born Brit her sexual slave in exchange for access to power.
BRAD: Where have I heard that before?
BRAD: Gesundheit. (HANDS BRENDAN A TISSUE EMBROIDERED WITH TOM CRUISE’S TEARS)
HARVEY: Bo finds out and has the guy killed?
JEREMIAH: No. He has his number two guy do the deed. Martial arts expert. Head of public security. Personally led Bo’s war against the Chongqing mafia.
BRAD: Yes! Need the karate angle for the 99% of Americans who will not watch a Chinese movie unless it stars Jackie Chan.
BRENDAN: But he has a change of heart…
HARVEY: I can visualize this guy. Tortures prisoners, slaps around whores, sodomizes puppies…but the whole time we know he’s got a heart of gold.
JEREMIAH: So this henchman, we’ll call the character “Wang Lijun.”
BRAD: Why not “Iron Fist Choo”?
JEREMIAH: Because that’s not his name. Wang Lijun confronts his boss and learns that the boss now wants him out. So Wang makes a daring late night dash…
BRAD: For the Mexican border!
JEREMIAH: …for the US Consulate in Chengdu. Tries to seek asylum there and is finally led away screaming by the Chinese state police. He’s doomed, but he knows that he has taken down the Godfather.
BRAD: And then what?
JEREMIAH: And then the Godfather is subjected to a thorough investigation by the relevant departments.
BRAD: Seriously? That’s the best you got. Come on boys. My time is valuable.
BRENDAN: Bo falls from power and the last scene is…
HARVEY: Bo in a cell plotting his comeback.
BRAD: Bingo! I’m thinking four-part trilogy.
HARVEY: I’m in boys. It’s a noir-crime-romance-action-foreign-spy-mystery-thriller, you can practically smell the opium den from the opening scene…
BRENDAN: Actually, that’s just Jeremiah.
HARVEY: For the Brit, let’s get Danny Radcliffe down here. I think the world is ready to watch Harry Potter get tortured by the Chinese police for at least 20 minutes of film.
JEREMIAH: I’m pretty sure the actual Neil Heywood is closer to 40….
HARVEY: Doesn’t matter. CGI. We’ll age the little fucker 20 years and THEN we’ll torture him.
BRAD: Okay, we got the wife, the politician, the henchman and the dead British guy. We need more characters.
BRENDAN: There’s a son
HARVEY: Tell me about him.
BRENDAN: Wealthy scion of corrupt family. Likes fast cars and faster women. He’s the one who introduces the British guy to the family.
HARVEY: I’m thinking “Fredo Corleone as interpreted by Jay Chou.” Who else? We’ll need quirky characters for stunt cameos. I owe Rob Schneider a favor, anything he can sink his teeth into?
JEREMIAH: Okay, um…before the team heads up river, they stop in Shanghai. And they come across this seemingly deranged figure who walks the streets, muttering the same thing over and over and over again.
BRAD: What’s he saying?
BRENDAN: “FYI the book ‘The End of Cheap China’ http://t.co/VRfIV4sv surprised Economist didnt mention as they know about it…”
HARVEY: What the does that even mean?
JEREMIAH: That’s the beauty. Nobody knows. Is he a lunatic? Is he just some unhinged narcissistic self-promoter with an axe to grind? Or…is there an even darker secret?
BRAD: Okay, I’m in. Chow Yun-fat for the Godfather. Jackie Chan for the henchman. Lucy Liu for the wife…
HARVEY: Are you casting or just listing the only Asians working in Hollywood right now?
BRENDAN: We’d like to suggest Bai Ling for the role of the wife. She’s from Sichuan.
HARVEY: Yeah, well, it’d save money. Probably sign her for a $50 bus ticket and a case of Drambuie.
JEREMIAH: So what do you think?
BRAD: Well, we’d love to help you boys.
HARVEY: Yeah, but the whole thing is…I mean who even thinks up shit like this?
BRENDAN: We got it from the Wall Street Journal.
HARVEY: Oscar Gold!