The HBO series Game of Thrones returns for a second season this month. The show, which could be described as either “Soft Core Porn Lord of the Rings,” or “Harry Potter for Middle-Aged White Dudes,” is set in a fantasy realm loosely modeled after medieval Europe with a plot that is equally loosely based on the history of the War of the Roses.
Given that the entire series revolves around a series of bloody power struggles in which amoral individuals quickly kill off the few characters with integrity before then turning on each other in a highly stylized circle jerk of naked ambition, I thought the show would make a useful guide to 2012 and the current leadership transition in China, a transition which is not going quite as smoothly as the Party leadership perhaps hoped it would.
So, with that…the Game of Thrones Guide to the 2012 Transition, Part 1. Part 2 can be found here.
(Yes. There are all kinds of spoilers but I figure if you’ve made it this far then you’ve already seen the show.)
Tyrion: Where do I begin, my lords and ladies? I am a vile man, I confess it. My crimes and sins are beyond counting. I have lied and cheated, gambled and whored. I’m not particularly good at violence, but I’m good at convincing others to do violence for me. You want specifics, I suppose. When I was seven, I saw a servant girl bathing in the river. I stole her robe and she was forced to return to the castle naked and in tears. I closed my eyes, but I could still see her tits bouncing. When I was 10, I stuffed my uncle’s boots with goat shit. When confronted with my crime, I blamed a squire. Poor boy was flogged, and I escaped justice. When I was 12 I milked my eel into a pot of turtle stew. I flogged the one-eyed snake, I skinned my sausage. I made the bald men cry into the turtle stew, which I believe my sister ate. At least I hope she did. I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel….
My initial list of ‘favorite Game of Thrones Quotes’ turned out to be 90% Tyrion, which shouldn’t be too surprising to anyone who has seen the show. Peter Dinklage as Tyrion is basically the series’ Omar. He gets all the best lines and doesn’t waste any of them. This is, by far, my favorite Tyrion moment from Season One. Facing probable defenestration unless he confesses to a crime he actually didn’t commit, he instead breaks into a veritable sonata of humble brag vulgarity.
The Chinese Internet sensation for this particular nanosecond is a series of pictures supposedly snapped by a Chinese gangster doing…well, gangster things. Counting money. Driving his car. Stepping on a dude’s neck. There’s a heavy whiff of the South China Tiger about the photos, but these days people here are so conditioned to believe any crazy ass rumor that involves gangsters or officials (and the line is often thin in many local jurisdictions) mainly because those rumors that turn out to be true usually end up involving unbelievably jackshit stupid and craven examples of human behavior. After awhile you get used to just being witness to all kinds of corruption, whether the egregious deeds of high officials or the local hot pot restaurant that recycles gutter oil.
Nevertheless, in nine decades of self-criticisms and forced confessions it’s doubtful that the CCP ever came across anyone so archly proud of their depravity as Tyrion, but there’s also little doubt that between his stature, his hobbies, and his gift for amoral politics, the little man would have made a sterling cadre.
Robb: If we do it your way kingslayer, you’d win. We’re not doing it your way.
Give Wang Yang some love. Last December with Wukan doing its best impression of South Carolina circa 1860, the Central Government getting increasingly agitated with Wang running his own offense in the province, and Bo Xilai telling every cadre and peasant who would had a minute to listen about how Bo “cleaned up” Chongqing after the mess left by the last guy (BTW: That would be Wang), the “Guangdong Model” seemed like a risky political foundation for a rise to power. Well, look who rolled in shit and came out smelling like lavender bath bubbles…Ladies and Gentlefolk, Wang Yang.
So after finishing the first season of the show I started reading the novel because, you know, I have so much time on my hands and nothing else to do (that sound you hear is me repeatedly attaching a copy of the UC academic handbook to my thumbs with an industrial stapler) but one major change had to do with the ages of the characters. Robb Stark in the book is like 15-years old. Christ, when I was that age I wore my hair in a hockey mullet and I’m pretty sure I only remembered to zip up my fly about 54% of the time…there is no way 15-year old me could have led my father’s banners into battle.  I don’t know if George R.R. Martin is going for a whole “People didn’t live as long back then” theme (book Ned Stark is an old man at 35) but I’m glad they changed it for the show. I’m guessing HBO might have also faced some legal issues had they chosen to honor the author’s creative vision by faithfully recreating the Dothraki wedding night scene in which Dragon Barbie is stripped naked and deflowered by a barbarian…at the age of 12. Those of my friends who have read the whole series have said one of the criticisms of the books is that Martin seems to have some kind of weird problem with women. Hmmm…12-year old princess forced to consummate her marriage to a 30-year old warlord who just purchased her from her own brother…Even Kublai on a bad China day would be like, “Dude, that’s messed up.”
Joffrey: Tell me, which do you favor, your fingers or your tongue?
Where does it say the “evil kid” in a British fantasy series needs to be a bottle blond? I get it that this is an important plot point for this particular series but the kid who plays Joffrey is just a little too much from central casting like he’s constantly channeling Draco Malfoy’s inbred cousin.
The parallels here are too much low hanging fruit, except to say that Inbred Draco would totally have supported China’s new detention regulations. Anyone else see a parallel PSB Deputy Minister Joffrey making Ai Weiwei retype his entire opus of tweets while ordering the guards to chop a finger for each typo?
The message from the Party is now quite clear (as if it were ever in doubt). Type it. Say it. Whatever. If you piss us off sufficiently, we now have all the legal authority we need to make your ass disappear. Although we promise that if you die in custody we won’t harvest your organs so…progress!
Tyrion: And here we have Bronn, son of…
Bronn: You wouldn’t know him.
I like Bronn which means I’m almost positive he will die in season 2. Having come to this show uninitiated, I have since learned that any sympathetic or popular character will eventually have their head lopped off or their entrails torn out which I guess saves HBO some money on long-term deals with its actors.
Bronn is the closest thing the show has to representing the 99%. In China we call that group “The people who DON’T race their Ferrari around Worker’s Stadium at three in the morning.” Hey, not everybody’s dad is Bo Xilai or even a Li Gang and yet they still have to make their way in the world. That’s Bronn. Put him on the payroll and watch him work. Fight a duel to the death for money. Sure. Play wingman for a dwarf. No problem. He’s just happy to have a job and watch those uppity bastards kill each other, knowing it’s not going to affect him…until Season 2.
Viserys: No! You cannot touch me. I am the dragon! I want my crown!
Every great TV series has that one moment in the first season where we, the viewers, have to stop and go…Holy shit, what the fuck just happened? Tony Soprano grabbing the pillow to smother Livia. Bodie and Poot capping Wallace. Don Draper’s “Carousel” speech.
For the first five episodes of Game of Thrones we were continually subjected to creepy Aryan prince as he fondled his sister, insulted a horde, gave himself a nickname, slapped around a whore, and generally behaved like the lost Hanson brother on an episode of Celebrity Rehab. I like my irony and violent imagery as much as the next guy, but asking for a crown and then having a 6’5 barbarian give you a molten gold hot comb instead? That’s the kind of moral symmetry that would have had Sima Qian waving his ball sack in the air like a party favor from a Chinese wedding banquet.
The irony is delicious of course because it was Drogo’s response to the 153rd time Viserys had whined about how he let the barbarian king marry Viserys’ sister, Dragon Barbie, in exchange for Drogo using his horde to reclaim lost territory. Leaving aside the fact that this USUALLY does not go as planned (Cut to shot of Wu Sangui and the Song Emperor Huizong nodding sadly) you just don’t nag barbarians with your delusions of power. You certainly don’t make a spectacle of yourself at one of their parties. And if you do, you damn well better be sure that your allies are secure.
Which brings me of course to Bo Xilai.
Wang Lijun’s not doing too many (televised) interviews at the moment, but I’m willing to be bet that he would have no problem whatsoever being able to identify with The Look (define: “Withering”) that Dragon Barbie gives as Drogo the Barbarian is preparing to fricassee her brother’s brain matter.
If Viserys had just waited, bided his time, and played the game according to Dothraki rules then he might have had his horde and even, possibly, his crown. It’s also entirely possible the Dothraki would have eventually stuffed him into a pony’s colon and called it sausage. That’s just the way it is. When you play power games with the CCP – or the Dothraki – it’s often hard to tell who will become king and who will be made into horse haggis.
In any case, while the exact nature of Bo Xilai’s crimes, real or invented, has yet to be established, most pundits agree that he brought at least some of this misfortune crashing down on him by grandstanding just wee bit too much…Actually, forget that. Bo’s campaign to be part of “The Nine” made Newt Gingrich seem like a master of nuance and subtlety. Shit, Newt could campaign au naturel stomping the stage like the lust-crazed silverback ape we always knew lurked within and still not achieve the same relative level of naked ambition Bo Xilai showed in the last few months. 
Tyrion: But, I don’t believe that giants and ghouls and white walkers are lurking beyond the wall. I believe that the only difference between us and the wildlings is that when that wall went up, our ancestors happened to live on the right side of it.
Apropos of nothing except history…researchers using recently re-discovered a section of the Great Wall, or at least a great wall, in Mongolia. The “Genghis Khan Wall,” as it has been dubbed, dates from the 11th century and may have been built by the Tanguts who ruled large sections of what is today Northwest China and Southern Mongolia as the Xi Xia. Of course anytime you start talking about historical boundaries between “China” and “Other People” (especially Mongolians) you get the revisionists who want to backdate the current borders of the PRC and claim Genghis Khan as a son of China and there are quite a few historians in China who would totally agree with Tyrion’s view of wall building. While that is likely true for some groups, the Mongols were not the “Wildlings.” They were “The Others.” Bad ass, kill you quick and reanimate your corpse so they could kill you again winter-is-coming you pastoral little bitches. Seriously, if Genghis was Chinese, then somebody forgot to tell the Song and Ming courts. Could have saved them a lot of trouble. And a few emperors.
Ned: Very handsome armor. Not a scratch on it.
Jaime: People have been swinging at me for years, they always seem to miss.
Ned: You’ve chosen your opponents wisely.
Jaime: I have a knack for it.
Ah, Wen Jiabao…you crafty bespectacled devil. Not since Zhou Enlai has a premier been able to tweak his boss so consistently and (more or less) get away with it. Count me among those who don’t read too much into Wen’s periodic head fakes in the direction of political reform, but even if nothing will come of them, it’s fun to watch him do it because you KNOW that every time he gets up and makes some cryptic comment about how China needs more freedom or the inevitability of political reform, it causes the hardliners curse out their staff and start throwing old issues of “Seeking Truth” at the closest available wall. This is a guy who not only was closely associated with ousted premier Zhao Ziyang but was famously photographed with Zhao when the latter was out tearfully telling the students in the square that Li Peng was an unholy douchebag and, by the by, they should probably get out of the way of any large military vehicles that may or may not be heading their way. If you can come back from that, ain’t nothing that a corrupt weasel like Chen Liangyu can do to you, or even Hu Jintao.
Moreover, I’m excited about Wen in retirement just as I’ve enjoyed the last few episodes of “Zhu Rongji Says Whatever the Fuck He Wants.” Wen is just invested enough in his historical legacy that he’s not going to leave alone any opportunity to be sure he exits the stage as the good guy, no matter which way the political winds blow in the future. This will displease people.
Ned: War was easier than daughters.
More unintended fallout from the Bo Xilai debacle: Shed a tear for poor Chen Xiaodan? Being the granddaughter of Chen Yun (who played the “Fifth Beatle” role in the original Standing Committee) can’t be nearly as cool as riding around in Bo Guagua’s Ferrari, right? Actually, whither poor Guagua, you get the sense this is not a kid who has heard the word “no” a whole lot in his life. I’m guessing Miss Chen can probably do better.
Catelyn Stark: If you lose, your father dies, your sisters die, we die.
Robb Stark: Well, that makes it simple then.
Catelyn Stark: I suppose it does.
I like this exchange so much better than the “When you play the game of thrones, you either win or you die” line which was kind of done to death in the promos. One of the most common questions I’m asked by students (after “How do I find Great Leap Brewery?”) is about the chances of a “Jasmine Revolution” in China. Both YJ and I wrote about this quite a bit last year so I’m not going to rehash all the many reasons why it’s highly unlikely HOWEVER…just because something is unlikely doesn’t mean you don’t worry about it. It is unlikely that I would ever be eaten by a bear, but if I’m camping in New Hampshire and I hear something in my campsite, even if it’s only a raccoon or a coyote, it’s natural to jump to the worst case scenario. Rational me knows that the last fatal bear attack in New Hampshire was in 1786. Human me hears a raccoon outside my tent and thinks “Holy shit! Grizzly stampede!”
I bring up this up because the other day I was wondering what it must be like to want a job in the Standing Committee. You know that society, especially in the urban areas, is relatively stable and certainly light years ahead of pre-revolutionary Cairo or Libya under Gaddafi & Sons, but you just can’t get those pictures of Muammar looking like a buck strapped to the hood of a drunkenly-driven F-150 in deer season or the video of Hosni being led away by his jailers out of your mind.
The chances of this happening in China are infinitely remote, but the CCP is so wrapped up in their own après moi le deluge worldview that they seem unable to see any other possibility and so start jumping at every sound and shadow no matter how insignificant. Who knows? Maybe they’re right. The Party runs a pretty tight ship and even then it can get a little…feral at times. In a state of anarchy who knows what would happen. Replacing the Party would likely involve a complete reboot of the whole system and I’m not sure there are too many people in China today who have the stomach for what that means.
That said, the security apparatus are coming dangerously close to being That Guy who is convinced that his loyal and loving girlfriend is really a lying cheating whore and so starts making her call him every hour, hacking her email, checking her phone, and generally stalking her. In case anyone in the CCP high command had to ask…NOBODY likes that guy.
There are some real stakes in the game but I think everybody would win if the public security apparatus took it down about seven or eight notches.
Click here for Part 2.
 But I could recite my father’s favorite drink order from memory. Go figure.
 By way of example I give you “The Beijing Line 1 Subway at 5:45 p.m. on a weekday.”
 Full disclosure: I don’t actually know if Bronn dies in Season 2 although I’m guessing that I’m the only one on the Rectified.name masthead who doesn’t have this bit of information. We are, as you might have surmised, something of a nerdy bunch.
 Did I just spend fifteen minutes Googling ‘silverback apes’ and ‘mating habits.’ Yes, yes I did. And my mom wonders why it’s taking me over four years to finish my dissertation…
 Good question for the next time you go speed dating: “Would you rather eat hot pot out of swill oil or soup flavored with Peter Dinklage’s DNA?”